My Gun's Bigger than Your Gun
by SiriusFan13
Summary: Gundam Wing X Hellsing. Heero and Alucard meet on a park bench while Duo and Seras play. Of course, given these two, conversation turns to their guns... One shot. Please read and review!


**Disclaimer: **_I own nothing _Gundam Wing _or _Hellsing_, so please just read for entertainment without getting disgruntled... Thank you!

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**My Gun's Bigger than Your Gun**

Heero Yuy sat on the park bench, bored. He'd been stuck here for the past hour because Duo had insisted that going someplace like this would be "fun" and "good for him." Why was it that whenever Duo found something that would be "good for Heero" it usually wound up only entertaining Duo while Heero contemplated killing the other pilot?

Duo was currently at the swing set having a swinging contest with a blonde girl in a police uniform to see who could swing higher. Heero took his gun out and began cleaning it. This place was pathetic if their police took breaks to challenge Duo an a swing set. Of course, it didn't say much for Duo either...

Heero considered using the pilot as target practice to speed him along in his "fun." His eyes were drown to the police girl. Or more specifically... to her chest. Did it actually get _bigger_ just then? He shook his head. His eyes must have been tricked by the setting sun.

"You'd think she has nothing better to do with her time," came bored voice to Heero's right.

The soldier glanced beside him to see a tall man with long black hair, wearing a ridiculous red outfit watch the police girl through his dark sunglasses.

Heero raised an eyebrow slightly. "At least she didn't just fall off of her swing," he muttered. "And Duo's supposed to be our _stealth_?"

The tall man smirked at him and grinned, bearing sharp teeth. "Nice gun," he commented. "Mine's bigger." He pulled out a large weapon with the word _"Hellsing"_ emblazoned on the side.

Heero eyed the weirdo beside him. How did he attract these types? First Releena. Then Duo. Now _this_ guy. "So, you're a vampire?" he asked with no enthusiasm, eying the man's fangs. "Kind of sad if you need a gun."

The vampire looked amused. "I'm not just a _vampire_. I'm a nosforatu. I'm Alucard." He paused as though that were supposed to mean something.

Heero turned his attention back to Duo who was now trying to convince the police girl to join him on the slide. "Alucard, huh?" he asked, doing some mental figuring. "Isn't that just 'Dracula' spelled backwards? So, you're basically a horror movie reject vampire? And you still need a gun."

Alucard narrowed his eyes at the pilot. "Don't make me angry. I get hungry when I'm angry."

"Whatever," Heero muttered.

There was a long silence before Heero commented, "Your gun may be bigger than mine, but mine's probably got a better range. He pointed at a tree far in the distance. This thing can hit that easy." He patted the gun as one would soothe a small pet.

Alucard snorted. "So what? I don't need _range_. No one can kill me. I can just walk up to you and shoot you point blank while you're pumping your useless little 'far ranging' bullets into me."

There was another long pause as they watched the police girl push Duo down the slide so hard that he knocked himself out. Heero squinted at her. No, her chest had definitely changed size that time. Unless it had been the shifting shadows...

"Anyway," Alucard said. "Mine's more powerful. You shoot this thing, and you'll take a chunk out of someone." He motioned to the police girl who was ready to give a very willing Duo mouth to mouth to "revive" him. "Not a good idea, Police Girl!" Alucard called, not sounding like he particularly cared. "Unless you're hungry and are willing to accidentally bite him. If so, then by all means, eat."

"Hmph," Heero muttered. "So, she's a vampire, too? Figures. Duo would pick her as a playmate." He glanced at Alucard who was basking in the shadow of a large tree over the bench. "How're the sights on that thing? Doesn't matter how strong the gun is if you can't hit anything. Mine's got laser sights."

Alucard laughed. "So what? Who needs sights? I can sense blood miles away. It's easy for me to find a target's heart. I can almost _taste_ it."

"Kind o like Duo and hot dogs then," Heero said. "Except Duo would be pissed if I shot at his food. I should try that sometime."

The police girl was now pushing Duo on the swing. Heero was consistently amazed by Duo's moments of stupidity. Who in their right mind would let a girl who just gave him a concussion push him on a swing? Duo looked like one more good push was going to wrap him around the swing set.

And theer was no doubting that her chest had definitely grown that time.

"Does she normally do that?" Heero asked.

"Do what?" Alucard replied. "Show off her pathetic vampire strength?"

"No," Heero said. "Does she normally swell?"

Alucard shrugged. "Depends on her mood." He eyed Duo. "Is she wearing a priest's collar?"

Heero shrugged. "Duo's a 'he.' Don't let the braid fool you. And to answer your question, probably. He usually does. Why? Are you afraid he's going to slay you?"

Alucard snorted. "My gun has blessed silver bullets in it. (Another improvement over yours, by the way. Mine can slay the undead.) How afraid of _him_ do you expect me to be? Anyway, the collar doesn't mean anything. I've seen ghouls dressed as priests, and the aren't holy." He smirked.

Heero shrugged. "Duo's scarier than any ghoul. Especially if he's hungry." he eyed Alucard. "You know, there's a church down the street. I could get blessed bullets, too. It's not like it's hard."

Alucard's eyebrow finally twitched in irritation. "Fine, but can you do this?" Alucard raised his arms, melting into the shadows, then solidifying into a vicious hell hound.

"Cute dog," Heero said, picking up Alucard's gun, which he'd set on the bench. Heero threw the gun into a nearby pond and finally broke into a devilish smile. "Fetch boy."

As the pissed hell hound went for the gun, Heero smirked. "A gun's only as good as it's gunpowder. And yours is all wet... Who has the better gun now?"

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_Author's note: Well, I hope you liked the story. It's a first for me in many ways. My first Gundam wing fiction, my first Hellsing fiction, my first crossover fiction and my first humor fiction not co-authored under the penname "dumbledoresdelight." Yay! I actually managed to write a humor fic (aka something that isn't angsty) all by myself for once._

_Thank you for reading and please review. Being that this is my first humor fic posted alone, I could really use some feedback! Thanks again!_

_ Dewa Mata!  
_


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